Category: Funny

Help

At the office right now, we have two toilets and one urinal that are now out-of-order, leaving us with one of each still working.

I’m pretty sure this violates international cruelty laws of some sort.

Irony Is Dead

I’ve been seeing a bunch of Hummer commercials lately that all follow the same pattern: some man or woman is embarrassed or backs down in a social situation, they immediately march off to a Hummer dealership, point out one, and drive off in smug satisfaction.

I never would have imagined that they’d so blatantly embrace its reputation as a vehicle that people buy to overcompensate for their inadequacies and use it as a selling point in their own ads…

Catchup

I often run across URLs that I can’t check right away, or want to come back to later. Since I’m not necessarily at the same machine I want to check it from later on, I throw them into a file called ‘urls’ on my file server.

I just realized that that file is now over 1200 lines long.

I’ll be surprised if half of them are even still there…

Spamathon

Subject: Urgent: ISP detected!

Oh no! I bet I’m broadcasting an IP address, too!

Subject: Extra power. Don't think. Just act.

Sorry, I think you meant to send this to Tom Cruise.

Subject: Elvis asked me to send you this.

Well you certainly took your sweet time getting it to me, didn’t you?

Subject: Don't expose your intimate life!

Whew, thanks, I didn’t realize those blinds were wide open…

Subject: Break the work habit

Unfortunately that would just send me into the begging-for-change habit…

Subject: Please disregard this message

Okay.

Curses!

I have a love/hate relationship with my main living room chair. It’s ugly as sin, but it’s really nice and comfy to sit in for long periods of time.

Unfortunately it’s also a black hole, whisking items dropped between the cracks off into a dimension that can only be reached by dismantling the whole chair. As my DS stylus just discovered…

Beware of Piles

The mouse I was using at the office had a rather difficult-to-press mouse wheel, which became a big problem when I switched back over to doing more Unix development, since it’s used so often for pasting. Fortunately, like any good IT department, we have a big pile of spares to choose from.

Unfortunately I didn’t notice that the first one I took back to my desk had a *completely* broken scroll wheel — it couldn’t be pressed in at all.

I double-checked to make sure that the second one had a good feel to the click before taking it back to my office. It wasn’t until about 15 minutes later that I noticed that whenever I switched to one application, one of its subwindows would always scroll to the bottom of its list of items. I tried to scroll back up in it, but it immediately went right back down again. Turns out that its scroll wheel was reporting as if it was constantly scrolling downwards, no matter what I did.

So, back to the pile for another replacement. Fortunately this one worked well; the wheel clicked nicely, and scrolled properly. Except that over the course of a few hours, it became apparent that the wheel’s click might be a little *too* sensitive. Wheel movements meant merely to scroll would sometimes inadvertently register as a click, pasting whatever junk I happened to have in the clipboard right into the middle of some source code.

I’m still not sure there’s a single good mouse in that pile…

Habit

You know you’ve been using the PVR too much when, after finishing a show, you keep hitting the Menu button and wondering why it’s not working until you suddenly realize that you were watching it live for once…

It Never Ends

Subject: Everyone qualifys for our Diplomas! Cneitz

Hey, I’ve always wanted a diploma in breathing…

Subject: King of Pharmacy 8v

That’s only slightly more impressive than Duke of Deli Counter 3B.

Subject: Make big points with your boss!

I don’t think he’s the type to play video games, unfortunately.

Subject: Improved IMMUNITY

But can you get me diplomatic immunity? That would be sweet…

Subject: Don't condoms suck?

No, you need somebody else’s assistance for that part.

Subject: What are you doing with all that pain?

I keep it in a desk drawer, in case I get unwanted visitors.

Subject: We got what you need cheap! To your door! OVERNIGHT

Wow, I didn’t know you could order swift kicks in the ass online.

Subject: Monkeys turned into workaholics

Uh oh, hopefully they’re not after my job…

Speaking of Driving Games…

Though I don’t have an XBox, I keep running across bits of information about Forza Motorsports here and there.

The good news is that it features the ability to highly customize your cars, including custom paint jobs with a lot of detail, and race them against others online.

The bad news is that it means you may wind up suffering the humiliation of being beaten by someone in this. (From the Forza Customization site.)

Pushin’ That Rock

As part of the effort to work more exercise into my day, I’ve been taking the stairs instead of the elevator whenever possible. It’s a lot more practical at the office now that we’re only five flights of stairs up instead of seventeen.

Unfortunately, the building staff is being a bit lax in their duties. About half the time, I come in in the morning, walk up the stairs, and suddenly discover that the stairwell door is still locked, even though they’re supposed to have opened it an hour earlier. So, then I have to go back down and take the elevator up anyway.

At least I still get the exercise, but it still feels pointless sometimes…

(Update: And it’s still locked as of lunchtime…)